February 12th 2021

The Absolute Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

To clarify, I mean Sixteen Candles/Pretty in Pink. They are basically the same movie; Pretty in Pink just happens to be only slightly better. John Hughes is an interesting case study to me. On one hand, he's the genius curator of the 80s coming of age genre. On the other hand...well this is the other hand. So the plot is nothing new, special, or noteworthy: quirky girls likes faceless popular guy; will they get together; oh boy I can't wait to find out (they do). The actual execution of the story is where John Hughes's shortcomings really start to get the spotlight. I hope I speak for all of us when I say, the blatant racist jokes need the boot. In his other movies, it was a mere passing reference, in which you make that uncomfortable face and are like 'Hey John your racism is showing put it away'. Sixteen Candles is the movie where he very much does not put it away, and we all have to suffer through the racist intermissions to an already unnecessarily long and boring storyline that should've gone to the self insert fanfiction.net archives, if fanfiction.net even existed in the 80s. And then there's an assault scene of an unconscious girl played off for laughs, and became a happy couple and huzzah. Another great intermission to the boring love story between Molly Ringwald and whatever the guy is called in either story because surprise surprise, he's the same guy, and Molly Ringwald plays the same girl. These movies aren't cute. At best, they're boring, at worst, they're too uncomfortable in their "jokes" to even sit through.

Not a movie, but this one is personal. Skins US was a remake based on the UK version, aka, the good version. I have some bones to pick with the UK version too, but overall, the show is not irredeemable and often enjoyable. Now, the US version....imagine taking everything about what made the original Skins good and butchering it to create some weird high budget fanfiction. The craziest part to me is that both shows were created by the same people. Honestly, the show is so trash that listing off everything bad about it would be just another plot summary, but my personal favorite offense is the character Tea. I expect all of you to read that as tea the drink and not teh yuh. She's a lesbian, canonically, and I'm assuming a replacement for the gay character Maxxie in the original, that is, until, Tony the known converter of raging homos falls in love with her, and season one (the only season thankfully) is their on again off again relationship. Yeah. Let's let that sink in. This is supposed to be the US version of the original's trip to Russia where Tony gets with Maxxie, except so much worse and unneeded, and I'd pay a lot of money to get a verbal confirmation from the creators that this show is just a joke and America slander, but unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case. Rest in peace Tea, former lesbian and the rest of these butchered characters.

Yes, I watched the movie. Do I regret it? Absolutely not, it was a hilarious viewing experience. Initially, I watched it as a joke, but it was so boring that I decided to watch the whole thing in 2x speed. If you have not tried watching, 365 days in 2x speed, I highly recommend it if you have the means. Does that mean this movie has a single redeemable thing about it? Absolutely not. I thought that was a unanimous decision as a -^society ^-, but....apparently not. I will give this movie some credit though. It is very quotable.

I watched this movie because I thought it was satire. It was not satire. Where do I even begin with this one? How does one even describe this mess? I think the best I can do is give a short plot summary and hope it speaks for itself. So the beginning is the usual hetero nonsense of boy meets girl and *romance* oh me oh my, but the parents start getting concerned because girl is 15 and boy is 17, and girl starts failing school, and the boy and girl are single handedly keeping the condom industry in business, so they are forbidden from seeing each other, which doesn't go over well obviously. Then uh shit hits the fan. Tom Cruise of all people tells boy that he should set some newspapers on fire near the girl's home and then put it out heroically in view of the girl's parents, so they'll think he's an alpha and let him date their daughter something along those lines. Long story short, boy is not an alpha, and he accidentally commits arson, and girl's house burns to the ground. Boy is sent to a mental institute where he obsesses over girl and sends her creepy stalker letters because *romance*. Eventually, he gets out of the hospital and goes to find girl even though he has a restraining order against her. Instead, he finds her mom who tries to seduce him (this is around where I just stopped watching). Boy escapes from the horror of milfs with girl's address, and on his way, he runs into girl's father who chases after him grrr, and the girl's father gets HIT BY A CAR AND KILLED???? Then, boy finds girl somehow, and he forces her down makes her admit that she still loves him :/, and boy is sent to prison where he obsesses over her some more, and girl is like shit wait I do love him and goes to visit him in prison. The End!!!!! I wish I was kidding!!!!!!

Take me to film jail I DARE you; I will fight you on this. This one hurts perhaps more than any other movie on this list because frankly not enough people are trashing it. It's actually a universally liked movie, and coincidentally, the one I hate the most. Summer and whatever Joseph Gordon Levitt's character is called are two incredibly insufferable people doing incredibly insufferable things. It's the meet cute trope on loop for an eternity except it's like 2% cute and 98% boring hipster bullshit that only appeals to people that are equally boring and hipster. It's so 2009 it might as well be a documentary of how annoying people used to be. Would you believe me if I told you this shit show went on for a whole hour and a half? Because it feels more like a Titanic runtime and a half. Nothing happens, and not in the endearing way, and these two characters that are cardboard cutouts of people don't end up together anyway, and all the people still heartbroken over their first crappy relationship cried. Thanks for ruining The Smiths Marc Webb.

So guess what. The director of this movie is actually the same person who directed Endless Love. Is anyone surprised? Everything about this movie is just awful. Acting, costumes, cinematography, story (somehow???). It is also so incredibly boring that I don't think I've ever willingly completed this movie. However, that is nothing new in movie world, so this movie is on the list for two and a half specific reasons: 1) It reminds me of how good the 1996 adaptation of Romeo and Juliet is, which, funny enough, Franco what's his face, very much disliked. In my humble opinion, someone who made this mess and the even bigger mess Endless Love has the honorable right to shut up :)! 2) The two leads in this movie are probably the two most attractive people to set foot on Earth, and it is a pain to watch two and a half hours of inexcusably bad performances. Respectfully, I hope they discovered the modeling industry. And lastly, 2.5) I'm pretty sure Franco what's his face was some kind of pedophile. If you've seen these movies and know the age of the lead cast members, you know what I'm talking about. Can we, as a -^society^-, stop normalizing movies that sexually exploit underage actors? The Brooke Shields problem is nothing new, and this just feels like the 1968 version of that. Just a thought.

Is anyone really surprised that this would be on here? I hope not. Respectfully, hating the After series is all in good fun, and everyone else seems to be in on it. Unless you're like twelve, in which I hope someone's praying for your sanity. There isn't much to say on why this is an awful movie, series, book, etc. Please reference the "A Wattpad Novel" tag if you are having trouble coming to this conclusion. Out of all the movies on this list, this is probably my favorite to hate watch, and I would highly recommend delving into the hate train. Let's fill up Anna Todd's wallet.

If you have not seen or heard about this movie, consider yourself lucky. It's got a myriad of problems both within the movie and its production. As with many other movies on its list, it's 80% just boring. The main characters are one dimensional, have boring or no aspirations, and really, there's just no one to root for here. This so called revolutionary main relationship does not break any queer story stereotypes but instead feeds into the same bullshit that's been going around since the dinosaurs: problematic age differences, unbalanced power dynamics, stoic characters doing nothing outside the not very romantic storyline. Also. It is 3. hours. long. Granted, it's been a while since I've seen the movie, and I do not plan on a rewatch, but I can remember maybe twenty minutes of story tops. How could one possibly fill in three hours of story with such cardboard characters. Now, again, this is not the most egregious offender to me. That would be what I summarize this movie in one word: exploitation. What is it with hyper sexual queer films, specifically wlw ones, and the hyper hetero male director? They go together more often than not, which isn't groundbreaking information. Welcome to the film industry. Where the problems arise is in the borderline abusive directing that goes on behind the scenes, and for this movie, it isn't speculation, it's a confirmed fact by the lead actresses. What results is a movie that earned it's "risque" medal by being 80% boring and stale and 20% the director's sick fantasy. There was a good chunk of this movie I had to exit out of the tab; it was that uncomfortable, and it makes it all the worse knowing what went on behind closed doors. It's not risque; it's exploitative, and it's a taint on queer filmmaking. Blue is the warmest color, respectfully, fuck off.